Fwd: The Russians

*THE RUSSIANS*

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

George Bush hung up and called the CEO of a condom company. "I need a favor. "Can you send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done," replied the CEO of the condom company.

"Good! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Praying Parrots*

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dental Work

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem."

With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"Don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin' me nothing" barked Bin Laden.

The genie pleaded "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he said "okay, kay, I wanna wake up with three American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" Giving the genie an evil glare, he screamed "Now leave me alone!"

The annoyed genie said "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle. The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his legs were broken, and he had no health insurance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat, when his wife said, "Where are you going?"

The elderly man replied, "To the doctor."

Surprised his wife asked "Why, are you sick?"

"No," he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

With that his equally elderly wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her sweater. Surprised, he asked, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to the doctor, too."

"Why?"

She said, matter-of-factly, "If you're going to start using that rusty, old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot

~~~~~~~~